Fate Grand Rick
by luckychaos
Summary: Morty becomes the Master of Chaldea. Rick just keeps on drinking. Questionable hilarity ensues.
1. Prologue

" _Commencing final preparations for Rayshift."_

All she could feel was heat.

" _Coordinates: January 30th, 2004 CE. Fuyuki, Japan."_

There'd been no time to react, only a sudden rush of flame and destruction.

" _Laplace conversion protection in place."_

Now she was pinned under rubble, barely able to hear Fou's crying out to her.

" _Additional factor frame towards the Singularity secured."_

All around her was fire and death.

" _Unsummon Program set."_

Mash Kyrielight knew she was going to die here. And that was… okay. She would've liked to know Senpai a little more, though.

" _Masters, please enter the final adjustments."_

But then, a weak, shaky voice called out to her from above.

"Uh… h-hello? Are you, uh alive down there?"

The girl looked up, wincing as pain jolted through her body at the gesture. Through cracked glasses, she struggled to see the owner of the voice that had spoken.

A… boy. Young. Brown-haired. Incredibly average, from his plain features to his featureless yellow t-shirt. He was scrambling toward her, despite the devastation surrounding them.

"H-Hey, can you hear me?" he shouted, right before he tripped on a stray rock and cried "Oh shit!", tumbling down and rolling to a stop before her and Fou. "Ow, goddamn it…"

"Who… who…?" Mash breathed, her voice hitched. It hurt to even speak.

"Ugh, jeez Rick," the boy groaned, rubbing his now-bleeding knee. "Why'd you want me come down here, anyway?"

" _I already told you, ding-dong!"_ shouted a harsh, much-older voice from the boy's watch. " _That, that, that place is ground zero for whatever freaky shit made us crash here! I n-need you to fi-_ urp _-nd any clues while I try to repair this ass-backwards back-up generator!"_

"W-Well, I just found a girl that looks trapped, so, so I'm gonna help her out," the boy replied, getting up with a wince.

" _This isn't the time to worry about scoring, Morty!"_ the other voice, "Rick", scolded angrily. " _All reality's at stake, and, and, and here you are, trying to get laid! That's pretty selfish, Morty!"_

"Like you're one to t-talk, Rick," the boy retorted, before he made eye contact with the increasingly-confused Mash. "Oh, h-hey, um, can you move?"

Mash blinked at him, before letting out a sigh and sagging to the ground. "It's no use," she murmured, already feeling her own blood start to pool out from beneath the rubble.

"Aw, jeez," the boy said, starting to fidget with his watch. "Hey R-Rick, isn't there some kind of laser beam or, or, or tractor beam on this thing?"

" _Do I look like some kind of hack to you, Morty? You think I can just shove every plot-convenient sci-fi magic wand into a tiny little, little package! That's not how it works, Morty! Just leave her, she'll be fine once I get there!"_

"She doesn't look fine, Rick," Morty shot back, bending over to try and grab the rubble, only to recoil instantly. "Ah shit, it's hot!"

"Please, just leave me," Mash begged. Having a complete stranger die for her sake would be… "Take Fou with you and save yourself…"

Right then, another siren started to blare through the ruined chamber.

" _Warning to observation staff,"_ began the cold, automated voice from the speakers. " _Chaldeas's condition has changed."_

"Oh no…" Mash breathed, eyes widening with horror. She looked to the right, and Morty followed her gaze.

Chaldeas. The mirror of the planet's soul. It was molten.

"Um… is that bad?" Morty asked.

" _Shiva's near-future observational data will be rewritten,"_ the voice continued. " _The survival of the human race on Earth for the next 100 years cannot be confirmed. The future of humanity cannot be guaranteed."_

"Chaldeas is…" Mash started to say, until she was cut off by a different automated voice.

" _Central bulkhead will now be sealed."_

The sound of heavy metal slamming shut rang out, causing the entire room to shudder.

" _Commencing interior cleansing in 90 seconds."_

"R-Rick, now would be a good time to get us out of here!" Morty cried out in panic. "Looks like this reality is gonna blow!"

" _We can't bail on this one, Morty!"_ For the first time, Rick sounded serious. " _We crashed here because, because we're trapped in this reality! Just, just hang on, Grandpa's coming!"_

"Aw jeez," Morty groaned, palming his sweaty face and dropping to his knees. "Ow," he added as an afterthought.

"I'm sorry…" Mash offered. "May I ask… who are you?"

"Hm? Oh, uh, my name's Morty," he answered, his earlier panic mostly faded. "My grandpa and I kinda crashed into this, uh, base right before all this stuff happened."

"I see…" She really didn't, but pressing further didn't seem all that important right then. "I'm Mash, Mash Kyrielight. I work here." She paused, a bitter smile forming on her dried lips. "Perhaps 'worked here' would make more sense…"

" _Seeking qualified Masters… Seeking…"_

"Don't sweat it," Morty assured her, wiping his brow again and shrugging. "Honestly, this kinda thing happens a lot to us, so I'm not too-"

" _Morty, quit flirting and listen to me!"_ Rick cut him off. " _I need you to open the magic circuits I implanted in you, Morty!"_

"W-Wait, the what?!"

" _Isn't it obvious, Morty?! I implanted a chip in your spine that activates the nanomachines I installed into your body that will create artificial magic circuits once you send the signal! It's just like when you turned into a car, Morty! Just, just do the same thing! It's-it's-it's the same basic principle!"_

"W-W-What? It worked, like, like twelve hours afterward!" Morty shouted. "Y-Y-You're not making any sense, Rick!"

" _Just shut up and do it, Morty! If you don't, y-you're gonna die, Morty! You're gonna die, and then I gotta replace you and then lie to your mother about it! Do you want that, Morty, for me-_ urp! _-e to lie to your own mother?!"_

"Y-You lie to Mom all the time, Rick!"

Mash could only stare, utterly baffled, as the two continued to bicker while everything crumbled around them. More and more rubble fell from above, and the fires raged and grew.

" _Resetting contact with suitable designee number 49,"_ chimed in the automated voice.

Her purple eyes became wide as saucers. "Wait, that actually _worked_?!" she shouted in utter disbelief, even as the pain of that action raked at her lungs. How was that possible?! Magic circuits weren't supposed to work like that!

But evidently they did, because right then Morty began screaming in existential agony and fell to the floor. His entire body writhed and rolled as his face contorted in pain.

" _Atta boy, Morty!"_ Rick's voice cheered from the watch, even as his supposed grandson moaned and screamed in pain. " _Y-You're set, buddy! Everything's gonna be gre~eat!"_

" _Starting Unsummon Program."_

Mash looked around. Chaldea was ripping apart at the seams. A young boy who'd tried to help her was now a contorted mess on the floor. And now she was going to die.

"Fou…"

The puffy white critter mewled at her side, nuzzling her face as if in consolation.

"This… could've gone better," Mash admitted before blinding light encompassed her broken body.

" _Beginning Spiritron conversion. Rayshift beginning in 3… 2… 1… All operations cleared. Beginning First Order verification."_

And so began the greatest Holy Grail War, with one of its heroes resigned to her death and the other in so much pain he couldn't even see straight.

The other "hero" was too busy taking a pull from his flask and muttering about "made up" words to notice much else.


	2. Singularity FFFFF (1)

Morty felt something soft and wet stroke his cheek.

"Oh, Jessica," he cooed, rolling on the ground with his eyes shut. "Not so early…"

"Fou! Fou!"

Morty froze, then slowly opened his eyes to see that weird white squirrel thing looking down at him with what couldn't have possibly been a judgemental look. He groaned and palmed his face.

"I knew it was too good to be true…"

He sat up and looked around. The agonizing pain from before, like a dozen molten steel rods had jammed themselves into his spine, had thankfully gone away, but it was little comfort now. Wherever he was now didn't look like he was in that room anymore with that giant molten sphere in the middle. He was now in the middle of a city, which was of course on fire and in ruins because why wouldn't it be? But Mash was nowhere to be found.

"Damn it, Rick…" Morty grumbled, standing up on shaky legs. "Where'd you s-send me this time?"

As if in reply, he heard something howling in the distance. He turned to see a bright red light, flashing briefly before speeding toward him, shrieking louder and louder…

"Oh shit!" Morty cried, desperately running to take cover in an alleyway, only to be stopped by the inferno blocking the way. "Shit, shit, shit, Rick! H-Help me, Rick!"

The watch was silent, but someone heard him nonetheless.

A figure burst from the side, placing itself between Morty and the arrow right before impact. The explosion rocked the earth, sending the boy screaming to the ground and cowering behind the person shielding him. He looked to see…

"M-Mash?!" he exclaimed. Indeed, the girl was standing before him, no longer dying and holding an immense, cross-shaped shield to weather the barrage of arrows now striking at them. And she was wearing… "W-Wait, w-w-w-why do you l-look like a stripper?!"

"Is that really the first thing you have to ask?" Mash shot back, still focused on protecting them both. "I'll explain later, but for now please stay down."

"Wuh-" Morty barely spoke before the assault renewed, forcing him down as sparks and debris flew around him. What the hell was even happening anymore?!

A few second later, the barrage ceased. Mash stayed in position a little longer though, ready for another attack. When none came, she relaxed slightly, letting the bulky shield lower before standing up properly. As she stood above him, ready to face whatever was attacking them, Morty couldn't help but ogle the strange "armor" she was wearing, his hormonal teenage brain following all of the curves and exposed legs.

"It seems they've stopped…" Mash decided, snapping Morty from his reverie and turning to face him. After noting how he was looking at her, she flinched and reflexively raised her free hand to her chest. "Master…"

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah," Morty hastily sputtered, quickly averting his gaze and standing up. "Um, th-thanks for saving me, I guess… Wait, 'M-Master'?"

Any reply Mash might have had was cut off by a girl's shriek in the distance. She was immediately on alert, bracing her shield and looking over at Mory. "Your orders, Master!"

Morty looked at her, down the road, and then back at her with a blank look. But then something seemed to click, because let out a long "Oh…" and then dusted his pants. "Huh, guess this w-w-w-was a call to adventure all along, huh?" Morty spoke to himself. "Well, y-yeah, I accept!" he boldly declared, setting his hands on his hips. "Let's, uh, go save someone! And the city!"

Mash, to her credit, only quirked an eyebrow at that. "Um… Master, I think it might be too late to save the city…" she told him, looking out across the blasted ruins around them.

"Oh, uh, yeah…" Morty said, awkwardly laughing and rubbing the back of his neck. When another scream pierced the air, this time closer, he flinched. "Uh, m-m-maybe we should get on that…"

"That might be a good idea, Master."

* * *

"Hey, who are you?!"

Rick quickly noted that the man who had spoken was bleeding, hysterical, laying on the ground, and had joined a shitty operation that had let itself get sabotaged this badly, so he promptly ignored him. The blue-haired scientist instead stepped through the rubble of what he deduced was the control room of 'Chaldea', the shitty operation in question, and looked for a console that wasn't sparking or had a corpse lying on top of it.

There were others in the control room, though none spoke up at him. Some of the more able ones struggled to tend to those who were worse off, but there wasn't a single person in there that wasn't unscathed by the explosion.

"Bi~ingo," Rick declared with a burp, plopping down at the centermost desk and stabbing a jump drive held together by duct tape and neon green tron lines into the console port. "Lesse… Aaaaaaand in. Yeesh, no wonder you guys got sabotaged." He popped the cork of his flask and took a quick swig before typing away.

The door to the control room swung open, and another man panted heavily as he stepped in. "H-Hey, is anyone alive in here?!" he called out in a panic, frantically looking around the room.

"Doctor Roman!" cried one of the better-off people, a dark-skinned woman. "Thank goodness you're here, we have injured!" Roman quickly ran to the nearest body, checking for signs of life.

"LAPLACE, huh…" Rick murmured as he stared at the holographic display. "Kudos for a reference not many people would get, I g-guess." He belched and scrolled down, promptly rolling his eyes. "And then you c-called it a c-c-cyber-daemon. Just _had_ to poke the metaphorical bear on tha~at one, huh?"

Roman looked up from who he was helping, fair-haired ponytail swaying behind his head. "Um… who are you?" he asked, blinking at Rick.

"Loaded question, bucko," Rick shot back distractedly. He glanced at Roman for a moment before turning back to his work. "Some asshole's bleeding to death in the corner over there. Maybe you sh-should take care of that."

The spats and labcoat-sporting man frowned. "I already checked Herman. He's - Wait, what am I even doing?!" Roman shot up and stomped over to Rick. "What the hell are you doing to the command terminal?!"

"Checking out all the skeletons in your closet, finding my grandson, and f-f-figuring out why this shithole is screwing up my portal gun," Rick replied, clearly unimpressed. "And not necessarily in that order."

Roman stared down at him, before his expression hardened. He lunged at Rick, gripping him tightly by the collar of his labcoat and forcing Rick to stare right into his eyes. "Did you do this?" Roman demanded, his voice low. "Did you kill all those people?!"

Rick glared right back. "Easy there, _murse_ ," he retorted, and Roman flinched, though not at the insult; the man's breath smelled like pure alcohol. "I s-s-saved your asses by repairing your stupid back-up generator that wasn't, wasn't even doing its damn job! Blame your literal trash fire of an organization for letting itself get sabotaged!"

"... You brought it back online?" Roman asked skeptically, only relaxing an inch.

"Yeah, I did." Something dinged on the console, and Rick turned to face the display. "Great, Morty's in… Singularity F? The fu~uck's that? There's, like, like, a dozen different t-types of singularities out there."

"Wait, someone actually made it inside the singularity?!" Roman asked incredulously, letting go of Rick and peering at the screen. "I need to get in contact with them!"

Rick ignored him, instead typing away until a video feed of a fiery landscape popped up. "Bi~ingo," he declared, drinking from his flask. "M-M-Morty, you there?!"

" _Rick!_ " Sure enough, his grandson appeared on the other side, stepping into view with relief clear in his eyes-

-Until a pale hand roughly shoved him out of the way, replacing him with…

" _Who the hell is this?!"_ demanded the young woman in a shrill voice. " _You're not Leff!"_

"Ch-Chief, you're alive?!" Roman exclaimed, eyes bulging as he cut Rick off. "Even from inside that explosion and with no injuries?"

" _Obviously,"_ she huffed. " _Now where's - Hey!"_ Morty pushed himself into view, gritting his teeth and clearly fed up with her shit.

" _Rick, what-what-what the hell is happening?"_ the kid demanded. " _Mash won't stop calling me her Master, and, and skeletons are attacking us, and I'm getting y-y-yelled at for no reason, Rick!"_

"I dunno, Morty, maybe that's her kink," Rick shrugged, taking another swig.

" _Rick!"_ The girl from before was pushing him back, and the two were clearly struggling to share space on the screen.

"Well, Morty, _obviously_ we got wrapped up in some clandestine plot to save the world or some shit," Rick elaborated in a condescending tone. "This ragtag group of colorful characters that somehow got unlimited funding while being _utterly incompetent_ are the heroes." He shrugged. "Not for long though, the ways things are g~going."

Morty at that point lost his battle, though, being replaced by the pissed-off, white-haired girl. " _Romani, who is that joker and why is he in the command seat?!"_

"I don't know, I found him here after making sure the 48th Master candidate was stable," Roman answered. "He claims he repaired the back-up generator though."

"I claimed nothing, I _did_ repair that damn thing," Rick spoke up obstinately. He belched, making both Roman and the Chief flinch before abruptly getting out of the seat. "Bored now. Morty, hang tight. I'm go~onna try and get in that 'Singularity F' you got trapped in like an idiot."

The Chief shouted after him, demanding he stay and answer her questions. Naturally, he ignored her, stepping out into the hallway and tapping away at his portal gun-

-And then his car smashed through the side of the wall. Even as debris flung around him, Rick looked up and rolled his eyes in distaste.

" _Protocol RBS-7125 completed."_ the car declared in a monotonous, female voice. " _Driver located. Depositing family."_

The door swung open, and a deluge of empty beer cans immediately fell to the floor, followed by the rest of his family.

"Hey, Rick, what's the big idea, huh?! I was just on the phone with Taddy when your stupid car abducted us and took us here!"

And Jerry.

"Your buddy Taddy is a G-rated prostitute!" Rick shot back, stepping over and looking down at the crumbled heap before him. "Ugh, I _thought_ I told this thing to only grab family."

"So what happened this time, Grandpa Rick?" asked Summer, standing up and setting her hands on her hips. "Did you and Morty, like, break our dimension, or something?"

"An explanation would be _lovely_ ," drawled Beth as she stood up, ignoring Jerry's offered hand to help and crossing her arms. "And where's Morty?"

"Jesus Christ, I don't have time for this…" Rick groaned, before perking up and looking at his car. "Wait, what's Protocol RBS?!"

" _Protocol Reality Blue Screen, to be enacted upon when all reality ceases to exist,"_ the car informed him. " _... Because all reality has ceased to exist."_

"Shiiiiiiiit…" Rick breathed. "All my stuff's gone!"


End file.
